I Grew Up Brown County

Wisdom.

Vinegar cures everything. Indigestion. Bad breath. Lady parts. And you can clean the mirrors with it. Everything.

It doesn’t matter if Clyde did it, you have to clean it up.

“Without my Nana, I’m a nobody. With my Nana, I’m a somebody.” She later updates this little chant to “Without my Jesus, I’m a nobody. With my Jesus, I’m a somebody.”

Get what you pay for. Ordering at the drive-thru window is not as simple as it seems. Nana needs seedless buns (for her colon!) and a hot fudge sundee with no nuts. And if we get a mile away and Sissy finds that there is an onion on her cheeseburger-with-no-onions order, you better believe we’re turning around and heading back to get a refund or a new, onion-less burger.

Auttabin hair is the kind you have when it ought-a been brushed before you left the house.

Always spray a little perfume or cologne on each wrist, your neck, and your undies – “Just in case,” Nana says. Also, always wear clean undies, in case you end up in the hospital.

“When you’re talking to yourself, you’re talking to the devil.” Grandma Dori, Nana’s mom, tells me this while I sit and admire the little glass figurines in her living room. I wonder if she meant to call me the devil?

“Roll me one, Ma!” I have no what this means or where it came from, but every now and then someone shouts this out at a family get-together and everyone busts out laughing.

The Pedigo house. This is how you refer to your house when the kids have trashed it and you want them to clean it up so you tell them, “This isn’t the Pedigo house, you know! Clean it up!”

“I made it snow!” If Nana washes the windows or takes a lot of time fixing her hair. If Papaw waxes the car or fixes a leaky pipe around the house or stacks enough wood. Anytime you do something you should do, but normally don’t, it will snow. Guaranteed.

“Don’t swear, Sarah. Ignorant people swear because they don’t have enough of a vocabulary to express themselves with real words. Don’t swear. It’s trashy.” – Mom

The Matlock curse. If you are a woman with Matlock blood coursing through your veins, you will have cramps on vacation. And on your first date. And at graduation. And on your wedding day. A job interview, choir performance, or moving to a new city. You will  be visited by the Matlock curse.

“Pray about it.” If you ask Nana for advice, she tells you to pray about it. If you don’t ask Nana for advice, there’s a miniature Nana-voice in your head that says, “Pray about it.”