Dad’s Day

We’re playing basketball. We’re always playing basketball. When it’s hot out, when it’s cold out, when I still have 10 chapters to go in the book I’m reading, we’re playing basketball.

I whine and cry and give up trying, but it’s no good. He insists. We play more basketball.

He shells peanuts and munches them on the couch, watching basketball on TV. Sometimes he paints or draws or sings, but most often he’s somehow involved in a basketball game.

He doesn’t usually have a job. He sleeps a lot. He makes homemade donuts. He finds me a kitten for Christmas. He rakes the biggest leaf piles, and we jump in them.

He and Mom argue and yell. A lot. In kindergarten, I tell my teacher, “My dad moves in and he moves out. He moves in. He moves out.” It doesn’t occur to me that that might not be normal.

He cleans the house from top to bottom sometimes. We go to school and it’s a mess, but when we get home it’s spotless.

He writes love letters to Mom, or sometimes apology letters. My brother and I find them when we’re snooping in drawers in desks we’re not supposed to get into. He has the prettiest handwriting.

He thinks I am going to be the best basketball player the world has ever seen.

He yells sometimes, using the really big bad cuss words.

My sophomore year in high school, he is diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He moves out of the house….again. He goes to the hospital and takes medicine and then moves in with his sister.

I lose him for a long time. I vow that he will never be invited to my wedding or welcomed at Christmas time. I promise myself lots of things when I’m hurt.

As an adult, I learn a new perspective. I begin to accept him as he was and as he is. He remains very much a gentleman to me as a grown person, and bows gracefully out unless asked to attend. His presence becomes an awkward, almost-welcome shadow in the outskirts of my life.

This year, I feel the urge to call and wish him a Happy Father’s Day for what I believe is the first time ever.

I have to ask my sister for his number. I haven’t spoken with him since maybe before Christmas or maybe even Thanksgiving. I haven’t seen him in even longer.

I call. He answers. I can hear the pleasure in his voice when he realizes it’s me. We chat. Nothing heavy or personal, just the sort of stuff you might share with someone sitting next to you on a train.

For my own reasons, I keep it short. I say Goodbye and that I don’t mean to keep him. He stops me just as I’m about to hang up and says,

”You know I love you, right?”

Mom is about to pop.

Her feet are swollen and she eats salt straight out of the shaker and her long, long hair keeps slipping out of the tight little bun on the back of her head. I have been playing basketball every weekend, as usual. The other moms ask about the baby and the due date and what they’ll name her. Mom smiles at them all, but as soon as we get in the van to go home, she’s a very cranky pregnant lady once again.

I get to skip school on Friday because Mom is being “induced.” I don’t know what this means other than supposedly it makes the baby come out on time instead of as a surprise. She got to the hospital super early, and Dad wakes us up at our regular school time and takes us in to visit her.

She and her enormous belly are propped up on the hospital bed, hooked up to buzzing, whirring machines and dripping bags of clear liquid. The TV is on, but turned down very low. My brothers are restless and Dad takes them to McDonalds when he goes to find brunch. By lunch, they are terrors, so he takes them home. Mom tells him to hurry back or he’ll miss the baby.

The baby needs to hurry up. I have to leave for a basketball tournament by 4:00pm. It’s after 1:00 and she’s still not here. Finally, Mom starts contracting and having pains and nurses rush in, and then a doctor. They don’t know that I’m not really supposed to be here. You have to be 14 to be present during delivery, according to hospital policy. I am three years too young, but I’m taller than most of them so they don’t question me staying in the room.

Good thing, too, because I am fascinated by this birthing process. I’ve only ever seen it in movies. The amount of blood and guts is unreal. And then the baby?!

Yuck. It’s covered in cottage cheesy stuff and bloody and all squenched-up in the face. The umbilical cord is disgusting. After the baby comes out, I think it’s over. I am wrong. Suddenly, Mom is pushing again and I learn about the existence of after-birth. Double yuck! That stuff is as big as the baby! They never show that part in the movies.

The nurses are busy prepping my little sister for life on the outside. They flip and flop her around, pulling on arms and legs, sucking liquid out of her lungs, pricking toes for blood samples, and eventually cleaning her up for a proper viewing. It’s all very thorough and routine.

When we get to hold the baby, you would think she was a landmine about to explode. It’s all soft, soft touches and slow, deliberate movements. Her tiniest activity causes the whole room to freeze in an instant. Each is afraid one of the others of us will be the one to drop her on her head. A few minutes later, I have to leave for the tournament. My head is so high in the clouds about my new little sister that I accidentally score a layup for the other team. What can I say? I’m smitten.

Girls Scouts is a lot of fun.

We meet on Wednesdays after school in the library and do crafts and read books and earn badges. Once a year, we have to sell Girl Scout cookies. Mom schedules us a table right at the checkout at IGA and we sit there giving our best puppy dog eyes, hoping to lure in unsuspecting cookie cravers.

The bathroom at IGA is all the way in the back, and you have to go through swinging doors and a stock room to get to it. Brooke and I come back from a restroom trip, and then a manager comes stomping out to our cookie table, furious.

“Who made such a mess in the bathroom?” she demands to know.

Brooke and I don’t look at each other. Maybe, after we peed, we pulled out some paper towels and smeared soap on the mirror. Maybe we didn’t.

When the other girls leave, Mom makes me sit at the Girl Scout cookie table all by myself. I hate it. I’m alone and responsible for all these cookies and no one else’s mom is forcing them to stay. Instead of selling cookies, I sit in the shop window and cry. When Mom gets back, she scolds me.

“What were you thinking? Why would anyone want to buy cookies from a crying girl? Get it together.”

We also get to go camping as a whole big Girl Scout Troop. We head out to Belmont, a caravan of minivans, moms, and Daisies. Rather than staying in outdoor cabins, we end up in a cozy little suite with running water, heat, and television. This is not camping, but we’re not complaining.

When we do dishes after dinner, Allison teaches me about only using hot water to wash dishes. The cold water won’t get it as clean, she explains. At least, that’s what her dad told her. We make sit-upons and foil pizzas and learn about different countries around the world.

In May, we get to march in the Spring Blossom Parade! Dad rents a giant pink bunny suit and plans to walk along beside our troop. The parade gets rained out though. We don’t get to march.

Dad puts on the suit anyway, and I wear my Girl Scout uniform, sash and all, and we have a photo shoot in Nana’s living room. It’s so dreary and wet outside; we enjoy some Peppermint Patties and Thin Mints to cheer us up.

Girl Scouts is a lot of fun.

Celebrating the New Year.

We watch I Love Lucy reruns from 10pm to midnight, sitting on Nana’s lap in the recliner. My brother on one side, me on the other. Papaw went to sleep ages ago. Mom and Dad are out celebrating at a party for grownups. All of the lights are off and it’s cozy and I barely make it until midnight. I am snuggled up in bed by 12:03 am.

An Elvis Presley marathon started at noon and lasts through the New Year. I watch Elvis sing in a convertible, wear leis and play a ukulele, blush awkwardly as a shy country boy asking out the prettiest girl in town. I stay up well past midnight. Everyone is in bed. I vow then and there to watch every single Elvis movie ever. A resolution, I guess.

Mom makes cheese and veggie trays. We fondue and dip bread and crackers in the chocolate. We string “Happy New Year!” banners across the living room and turn up Dick Clark as loud as we dare. Whistles, blowers, and streamers. Shiny gold and silver top hats are swapped and traded with the  shimmery paper tiaras that say “1999” or “2003.” Everyone gathers around the tv when we get within a few minutes of the new year. The ball finally starts to drop in Times Square and everyone is kissing and streamers are going everywhere. We blow our whistles and toot our horns and fight for the bathroom because all of the cheese and chocolate is leaving us in quite a bind.

The interesting thing about ringing in the New Year with the television set is watching them clean up afterwards. They show Times Square at 12:33am and it is barren. Trash is everywhere. Some lonely street sweeper is out there with a broom and a bag, cleaning up everyone’s mess. I hope he gets a big bonus on this night each year.

Finally old enough to go out for New Year’s! Four of us head out in the big, huge, gigantic city of Indianapolis. We pay $20 just to get in. I am simultaneously appalled and intrigued. We toast our “free” champagne at midnight. It is terrible. We see a man physically restraining and nearly abusing his girlfriend on the dance floor. Someone grabs my butt. We are done here.

My friend is hosting a New Year’s party in his penthouse overlooking The Circle in downtown Indianapolis. I ride the elevator all the way up. There are people everywhere. We pop bottles of champagne on the balcony and toast at midnight. My love is here. Champagne and a kiss at midnight? This is what I’ve waited for my whole life. It is just as magical as I ever expected.

My family keeps having chocolate and cheese and crackers. They call me when the ball drops. They post pictures of everyone wearing those silly, shiny hats and blowing the blowers. Nana and Papaw look exhausted by 10:30pm. Kids are passing out on the couch in the background.

I miss that.

We have to go meet the pizza delivery guy. I am always jealous of people in cities who can ride their bikes on sidewalks and have lemonade stands and have pizza delivered right to their doors. Dad orders pizza from the pizza place in Nashville, and then he has to go meet the pizza guy at Van Buren. The extra mile and half from the elementary school to our house is too much for the delivery guy to manage.

Dad heads out to the Crouch’s Market to rent a VHS and get some Coke. Coke doesn’t necessarily mean Coca Cola. “Coke” is any sort of dark soda, the way any tissue is a “Kleenex” or any photo opportunity is a “Kodak Moment.” We get to ride along.

Crouch’s Market has been around since the dinosaurs. It smells like gun oils and wood and the felt that covers a pool table. Norma runs the store. She sells lunch meat and souvenir hats and live bait. Right up by the counter, there are racks with Sour Straws and Kit Kats and Big League Chew Bubblegum.

The movie rentals are in three long rows. Dad rents the same movies every time – “Aliens.” “Predator.” “Terminator.” “Jurassic Park.” “Starship Troopers.”

One time, Gary and I found a huge mushroom in the woods and took my picture with it. It hangs on a board in the back room at Crouch’s, by the pool tables. I like to find it every time we go there. Pictures of Papaw and Troy and Gary with deer and turkeys they hunted are on display there too. We’re famous.

When we get home, Dad munches on the circus peanuts that always accompany a trip to Crouch’s. He cracks and shells nuts while he sits on the couch watching football or basketball or “Rambo.” He mixes peanut butter and syrup in a bowl and makes sandwiches with it.

Maybe once a year, he’ll order a pizza. He calls the pizza place in Nashville. Places the order. Waits a half an hour or forty-five minutes and heads out to Van Buren Elementary to meet the delivery guy who won’t come all the way out to our house.

Snow leaves our yard completely covered in at least a foot of fluffy white. Dad sets about making a snow village in the driveway. Some dads shovel snow so you can get the car out or make a path from the back door to the mailbox.

My Dad makes an igloo and a snow bench that lines the entire driveway. He creates snow chairs and a television with knobs and antennae. My Brother and I make lumpy snowmen out front. They don’t stand a chance in the face of Dad’s art and architecture and smooth edges and pristine, flat surfaces.

 He thinks he’s an artist. Sometimes, I believe him.

When the nights get cooler and the dark comes sooner, my brother and I play in the light cast by the Security Light. A power line runs through the yard, and we play a game. The high, thick, black cord is our target. A small Nerf football, with little holes chewed in the sides, is lobbed back forth across the wire. You get points based on “over it,” “under it,” or “hit it!” You get the most points when you hit it. We play this game for hours. Talking about everything and nothing, all at once.

At Christmas, we got fake laptops. The kind that look like real computers but are really full of dumb learning games like Hang Man and a music maker. Instead of using it to learn math or “spot the noun,” we play like we are in Twister and we run behind the tool shed, dodging tornados and trying to calculate the next likely touchdown in our area. My brother got a Terminator doll – excuse me, action figure – for Christmas too. When you push the buttons he says, “Hasta la vista… babay” and “Aisle be bach.” His arm is plastic flesh, and you can see the machinery underneath the skin.

Someone, Mom or Dad, tied up an old tire to the side of the barn and I practice pitching to it. I hate practice. I always get tired, and then I get worse, and then they want to make me stay longer until I get better again. But I’m not going to get better. At least, not tonight. They keep making me pitch the ball at the tire, trying to hit it dead-center, right through the heart. Those are strikes. "Keep going until you get 10 strikes." I hate it.

When I’m not playing or practicing, I’m reading. I read everything. I get in trouble for it sometimes.

“Sarah, we’re going to watch this movie as family. Come inside right now or you won’t get to watch it at all,” they say.

“But I only have 2 chapters left!” Oh, the humanity!

“Fine. Stay out here and read, but don’t think you can come in and watch it with us later. You made your choice.”

But I don’t care if I miss the movie. I’m reading about someone far away from here, someone grownup and free and setting out on exciting adventures and falling in love. Who cares if there’s a ghost man who plays on the basketball team? The Sixth Man is a dumb name for a movie, anyway. You can’t have six players on the court at one time. Everybody knows that.

Okay, maybe I do kind of want to watch it. Too late. I chose the book and now I can’t go in. That’s what you get when you make choices around here. Stick-to-it-iveness. Even when it’s against your will. I sit and read by the light of the Security Light, content in this other world that I wish was mine. Somewhere far away...